Tuesday, 24 July 2012

2AM ramblings

Yeah, I know I should be asleep already!! Especially as I have to be up in 6 hours!! ARGH. Soo I was just watching Youtube vids and stumbled across some contemporary dance vids. Well....it's sure made me miss dancing a LOT!!!

It makes me sad that I don't dance anymore, but I know I need to get better before I can go back. I could go back now if I wanted to, but I know that I've gained weight and still have a lot of issues with my weight/body image etc, so going back to dancing would just fuel the thoughts and I'd end up sick again. I'm kinda stuck, because exercise is good for relieving depression, and for me dancing makes me happy, but on the other hand, it makes me even more aware of my body and I end up with negative thoughts about myself. Soo yeah, it's not nice being in the place I am (mentally) right now. Also, I currently don't have any money and so can't go back to dancing yet anyways. I could just dance in my room though, but it's lonely and I miss the banter of dance class. Ah well, I can always go back in September or something.

The thought of going back to dancing excites and scares me. Exciting because I'll be back doing something I love and scary because I know how quickly I could fall back into old habits/ways. So I think that for now it's best that I don't go back.

I need to get my weight back down to 42kg before I even fully consider going back to dancing. I know that at 42kilos, I have enough energy etc to dance and that if I go any lower than that, then I get in trouble and have a big problem. Currently, I weigh too much than what I would like to weigh. To be honest, I don't really eat too well at the moment, I tend to snack on junk and have one proper meal a day (although these past 2 days I've been back at my parents house and had 2 proper meals....but I still snack too much!!). So, my plan  now is to cut out the junk food (there's none in my flat!!) up my intake of water and fibre (yay for fibre pills!!) and also up my intake of fruit and veg and protein. My evening meal tends to consist of either rice or pasta with fish or veg, which is fairly healthy. I also need to majorly cut down on my consumption of alcohol, it's not good for me mentally or physically, and need to cut down the fizzy drinks (I am somewhat addicted to pepsi MAX....not good).

I need to up the amount of exercise I do and get into a good sleep routine, and exercise routine. I'm lucky in that I have 2 parks very close to where I live, so walking/jogging is just so easy....it's just finding the motivation to get out and do it that's the problem.

I should be going back to mine later today, so I'm going to challenge myself to be more healthier and active. I could do with the exercise and that endorphin release!!  Right, so here is my (very rough) plan for the (normal) day:

8:00am: wakey wakey rise and shine (wake up)
8:15am: jog time
9:15am: breakfast (1 slice of toast with olive spread and some peanut butter, piece of fruit, milkshake)
9:45am: job searching in town (basically wandering round town looking in shop windows etc for jobs)
12:15pm: lunch time (soup with 1 slice of bread, piece of fruit)
12:45pm: find something productive to do (cleaning etc)
13:45pm: chill for a bit
14:45pm: snack time (fruit)
15:00pm: chill a bit more
18:00pm: dinner time (rice or pasta with tuna/chicken/veggies x2-3 servings of) piece of fruit for pudding
19:00pm: evening jog time
20:00pm: chillout for the evening....TV time!!
21:45pm: wind down time....shower and relaxation
22:30pm: sleepytime (sweet dreams!!)

I think that's pretty good considering I thought of it off the top of my head :) this will be put into practice as of 8am today (although I will have to omit the morning jog for today). Ahh I'm now rather excited now I've given myself some sort of a routine and structure to my days. Obviously this is just a rough idea and rough times (will have to allow for appointments etc and work around those) but it gives me some sort of a purpose and routine etc.

Looks like I'm going to have to try and convince my mum to come food shopping with me (for some more veg and fruit) I totes need to get some peas, onions, spring onions, sweet potatoes, red cabbage, strawberries and apples.  I definitely prefer fresh peas, but think I'll have to settle for frozen (boo) also, I have to eat peas raw....I cannot stand them cooked!!! So maybe I should just get some fresh peas!!

Right, I'm totally shutting up now, going for a ciggie, then get some water( I am parched tbh) and go get some much needed sleep!!

<3 Sarah

Monday, 23 July 2012

3AM thoughts

Argh I just woke my cat up!!! IT's okay, he's gone back to sleep now. I'm at my parent's place tonight. Getting my washing done by my mother (as there is no way I'm paying £2 at YMCA for the washing machine then £1 for the dryer!!). As payment to her, I baked some cakes :).  I currently have £10 to live on for at least a month because the jobcentre have put my claim on hold because I didn't show up to an interview/inform the place I was going to that I was unable to attend....I'm sorry but my phone died and I couldn't find the number of the place!!! So yeah. I'm going to ring the company/place later. I also need to go to the Jobcentre and try and get a crisis loan (as there is no way I can live on £10 for a month or so). I'm also going to ring my psych nurse and 1)find out when my next appt is and 2)try and get an earlier appt/ explain my current situation and how I really don't think that I am mentally well enough for work.....which I'm not. I'm not exactly well enough to even be living on my own ffs, which I guess is why I come back to my parent's house so much!! I also need to go to the council and get a housing register form, fill that out and look into supported living. And then I need to go and pick up my new glasses....yay I'll be able to see properly!!! Soo yeah. right now, my life is pretty fucking shit. I literally have enough money to pay my water/rent (£3.76 every 2 weeks) and top up my electric if I need to (I still have £15 on the meter so I should be okay for a few more weeks).

I can go without food/just come to my parents house and get fed :S but I really don't want to be doing that. I do have food at mine...and I know how to cook. Luckily for me, I don't really eat much anyway....which is also a bad thing as it means I buy food, then it end up going off and I have to throw it out...which is a waste of money. I only have a small freezer section in my fridge, which can just about accommodate a ready meal or 2. Currently, all I have in there is 1/2 a bag of frozen prawns. I'm also pretty good at just whacking a load of random stuff together in a pan and making a meal (thank God for pasta and rice [wholewheat of course!!] as without those I'd be fucked!!).

So yeah, I really should be asleep, but there is literally too much going on in my head right now, which is part of the reason for this blog post. I'm trying to clear my mind a bit in the hope I can get some sleep. Although I have to be up at like 8:30-9am to ring people and stuff. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long and stressful day for me. As long as I stay at my parents, I can't cut. I could go home later, but I have the dentist Tuesday, so will have to be back here anyways, so it kinda makes sense to just spend a couple of nights at my parents (hey free food and I get to spend time with my kitten (cat!). I dunno. I have like 1/2 a bowl of butter icing at mine....which needs eating....along with 1/2 a normal bowl of Chinese special fried rice from Iceland (I thought I could manage it all but I couldn't)....so that needs storing/reheating and eating. I also need to make my bed up at mine (brought my bedding over to the parentals so it can get washed...I just haven't got round to putting my ned bedding on my bed at mine!!).

God I seem to just be rambling about stuff...sorry. But I'm over-tired and stressed and worried. I really hope I am able to get a crisis loan as I need money. The only way I can think of to make some money is to sell my body....which I totally am not doing!! There's fuck all jobs around at the moment and it's really pissing me off and getting me down. UGh just realised I left my anti-depressants back at mine.....bugger :/.

I just want to hibernate right now, that way I can sleep for ages and not have to think about any of this...and I can escape to dreamland and away from reality for a bit. Unfortunately, I am not a mouse, nor is it winter, so hibernation is not an option for me (dammit!). Right....I'm gonna go smoke a ciggie and settle down and try to get some sleep although I'm tempted to pull an all-nighter, shame I don't have any energy drink with me :( the only caffeine in the house is coffee.....and I'm not a big fan of that.

I shall love you and leave you all for now.

<3 Sarah

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Spiralling down....

I'm on a down right now :( It's not nice at all. I cut last night, really should have gone to a&e, but had no way of getting there. I just managed to close the cuts with steris, only just though. It's really painful, well, more of a constant dull ache and I cant put any pressure on my arm (or really carry anything) because it hurts so much. I regret cutting now. I'm scared of how quickly things will turn ugly if I don't get some help asap. But, it's currently the weekend, so nowhere is really open/available until Monday. I guess, typing it all down here sort of helps. It's like, Words flow out of my fingertips SO much easier than they come out of my mouth. It's like there's some sort of barrier preventing me from actually verbalising what I want to say, but yet give me a pen and paper and I'll write it down!! It's annoying really, because I really do want to get better and get help,   but I just can't verbalise what goes through my mind. I'm not scared of getting help, it's just that something stops me saying (face-to-face) to someone "I'm really not okay." I put on this happy front when I walk out my door, or I'm with my parents, or even with my friends. But I've had it up for so long, that it's worn me out. Completely drained me and I can't keep it up much more. So, I generally stay in my room and hide away from society. The only times I do go out is for appointments, or to go shopping, but even that has become hard. Recently, I get really panicky and paranoid when I'm shopping because there's loads of people around. I used to be fine in crowds, but now it gets me all worked up and....agitated I guess.

Everything seems to be going wrong in my head. And my finances aren't exactly great right now either. I owe the pub £3.15 (the lovely landlady let me have my last drink on tab [a total rarity] as I didn't have enough money on my card), and I only have money left to pay my water bill (rent) on Monday. I don't get my Jobseeker's until Wednesday and I have the opticians on Tuesday (going to have to borrow money off my parents, unless I'm entitled to free eye checks). I literally have £3 to last me until Wednesday....which really isn't good. Life fucking sucks right now.

My brain hurts now, and I'm tired...so I'm gonna shut up and stop boring you all with my patheticness.

<3Sarah

Friday, 6 July 2012

Time flies

Okay so I've been living at the YMCA for almost a month now!! Crazy!!! Not a great deal has happened these past few weeks. I've ended up in a&e about 4 times since moving in....self harm is not nice. I think it was a mix of moving out, being alone, and drinking too much alcohol on nights out. I'm doing better now though :) Not had a drink in over a week, although tonight I'm treating myself to a JD and pepsi max before I go to the pub for a drink. I'm not going to get wasted as I'm off to London Pride tomorrow :D should be good. Although it does mean I have to be up earlyish (about 10ish) to get the train to London. It will be well worth it though and should be a great day :) I'm excited about it tbh :D.

Right, it's time to drink and be merry :D

<3 Sarah

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Face Forgiveness

I promise I'll get back on track with this and update daily, rather than every other day etc!!! Right now that's out the way, time for my view of the words FACE and FORGIVENESS.

SUNDAY 25th JUNE 2012: FACE
Okay so for me the word face, not only conjures up the image of a face, but also the thought of facing a situation, of having a situation in front of you, knowing you have to do something about it. Facing a problem head on, going for it. Getting over the initial fear of facing a situation. When using the word face in the context of the body.....I don't really like my face. I dont like how small my eyes are, or my mouth. I hate the shape of my face, it makes me look fat :( Haha right now I'm sat in my pj's with a face mask on. I like face masks.....I look a bit like an ogre at the moment (it's a green face mask).....May post a pic for you to laugh at :/ Right, on to today's word.....forgiveness.

MONDAY 26th JUNE 2012: FORGIVENESS
Okay, so this word really resonates with me today. Earlier this evening, my friend forgave me for my behaviour and actions on Friday night (we were all reallly drunk and I ended up sat in a bush!! cutting, she grabbed the blade off me and in doing so, cut her finger) soo yeah. I myself am quite a forgiving person, although there are some things I cannot forgive. In a way I think I'm probably a bit too forgiving, but I believe in giving people second chances. Becase we all make mistakes, and so having another chance gives us the option to change and learn from the mistakes we make. If you make the same mistake again, then BAM you've blown your chance with me, because if you didn't learn from the first time, then it's kinda obvious you'll continue doing whatever it was you did wrong.

Sorry, that seemed quite a bit bitchy, but, it's what I think. For once, I'm actually saying (typing) what I think, instead of putting what I think others want to hear, or trying to please others with my words. This entire blog has been my thoughts, the real me. It's quite liberating actually :)

Right my face now feels solid as a rock, time to rinse the face mask off!!!

<3 sarah

Saturday, 23 June 2012

home is where the heart is

Yeah I know I'm behind again!! Missed yesterday's word as.....I spent the night getting ridiculously drunk and ended up in A&E!! So here we go:

FRIDAY 22nd June: HOME
For me this word divides me somewhat. Having recently moved out of the family home, into a bedsit (which is my home), I feel awkward being back with my parents this weekend. They have no idea about what's been going on in my life....and I'd like to keep it that way. I like having my own place, but I miss my cat lots!!  I'm staying at the parent's house this weekend as it's my godmother's 80th birthday party tomorrow and it was easier for me to stay here the night rather than my mum having to detour and pick me up from mine. It feels weird being back in my old bed....my comfy bed. It feels weird being back here....I'm not sure I like it to be honest. I'm tempted to go home tomorrow, because being with my parents stresses me out so much. I like my new found independence, and now I'm back here....in this place of secrets and lies, of fake smiles and fake joy. I hate it. But, I'm stuck here for tonight.

SATURDAY 23rd June: SOUL
My soul is dark and broken. It's damaged and hidden. To be honest, sometimes I don't even think I have a soul. I think the devil nicked it...or maybe I sold it for booze. Either way, right now the word soul is bringing up negative thoughts. So I'm going to stop writing about it and thinking about it. Sorry.
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Yeah, I'm not in the best place physically or mentally right now. Last night was a complete mess. I got very very drunk, I cut. MY friend cut her hand taking my blade off me. So now I feel shit for hurting her (albeit she bought it on herself trying to help). I'm a shit friend. My depression is engulfing me. I've ended up in A&E about 3 times this week. That's not good. I need to sort this all out. I need more help and support because right now.....I can't cope with anything. My brain is all messed up, my body is they physical evidence....the cuts, the stitches, the scars. I'm surprised my liver isn't giving up on me by now, the amount I've had to drink recently is fucking ridiculous!!! I'm going to challenge myself next week to not drink any alcohol. Not even one drink. I fear if I continue how I am, that I could easily be dead by the end of this year, either through alcohol poisoning, cutting too deep or killing myself while I'm drunk. I'm the only person who can change these things. Noone else. Right, I need to go and get some sleep as I have to be up in about 10hours, and it will probably take me around 2 hours to get to sleep :/ OMG my mother needs to fucking get out of my room!!! Now I remember why I moved out. Stupid bitch doesn't give me privacy. My door is closed.....don't friggin enter my room!!!! GAHHH.

Now I'm in a shit mood!! :'( sorry to end this entry on such a downer!!

<3 Sarah

Thursday, 21 June 2012

FIGHT!!!

Okay, so the word for today is FIGHT.

For me, the word fight is mainly a negative word. For me it conjures up images of people fighting/arguing. Which makes me feel bad about myself, because I end up thinking that I'm the one who started it all etc.

However, the word fight can also be positive in terms of recovery, because it is YOU fighting the demon(s) in YOUR life. You fighting to get better fighting for recovery. In this sense, the word fight is positive :)

So, as you can tell, the word fight can have either negative or positive connotations, depending on your perspective of the word!!
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Yeah today's entry was short. Mainly because a) I'm in a bad place (mentally), b) I'm under the influence of alcoholic beverages (oops) and 3) because I'm freezing cold despite having a normal bmi and wearing a big baggy warm hoody . ARGH!!!

Anyhoo, today has been a pretty SHIT day :'( I woke up in a shitty mood, tried to put on a happy  face when I met my friends, failed at that so gave up putting on a front (frankly I'm too fucked up/mentally exhausted to put up a happy front) and ended up zoning out.

I drank alcohol (not good) I remember most of the night, but apparntly I went missing for 45 mins (or maybe 1hr 45mins) and everyone got slightly worried. let me emphasie SLIGHTLY!! soo yah. The fact that no-one even bothered to come looking for me, even though I legged it another time (i don't know why!!) makes me think/feel that I am as worthless/pathetic/stupid as I already feel. Wait, it makes me feel that even more. It emphasises what I already thought/think of myself!!!

In fact I'm under the influence so much that I even went down to reception and asked for the number of the crisis team...now surely that would set some sort of alarm bell off in someones head?!?! but obviously not.

So right now I'm typing this and considering just calling a taxi as I don't feel safe on my own in my room/ my mate isn't picking up her phone/receptionist person is a waste of space) and I'm SO close to cutting (again). A taxi would at most cost £3 to get to the hospital. I can always get a bus back in the morning. Although, it's not even midnight yet :S. You'd think the dude on reception would twig that the fact I was asking for the number for crisis team wold signify that I wasn't in a good place mentally. But obvs not. He looked up the number on google, gave it to me and sent me on my (not so merry) way. IDIOT. So yeah right now my emotions are a mix of anger/depression/lonliness/worthlessness/annoyance (at others). All negative.

To be honest typing/writing how I feel is the only way I can truly get out how I feel about myself/what's going on in my life. Other than that I tend to just lie and say that I'm fine, even when I'm a million miles away from feeling fine.

Right, as much as this has semi helped I'm afraid I'm going to have to resort to bad habits and then get a taxi :(  Sorry to anyone reading this, I don't mean to be so depressing/triggering etc!!

<3 Sarah